so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
