Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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