You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
