I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
