Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
