I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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