Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
