So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Randomize
