i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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