i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Randomize
