if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Randomize