a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Randomize
