My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
