On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
