btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Help. Why am I so naked?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
