I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
