I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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