o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
