What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
