I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize
