Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
