Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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