I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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