Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
