i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
