every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
