I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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