my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
