I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
