Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
