i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
