the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Randomize
