I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
