It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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