i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
