My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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