First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
