**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Alive.
So much puke
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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