I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Randomize
