Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Randomize
