Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
