i need an iv and a liver transplant
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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