Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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