I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
