And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Success! We fucked roommates!
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
