3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i will never coherently bang her
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
