A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
