my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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