I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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