: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
home. puking in laundry basket.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Randomize
