she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
