She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
