hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
