I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
