alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize