We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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