Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
