Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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