How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
