I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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