Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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