I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
