you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Randomize
