I just made out with a guy for $7.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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