rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
