do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Randomize
