I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
