it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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